Posts (page 2)
If I have to go and find them instead, when will I do it? I have plenty of reasons to stay exactly where I am. I have a better-than-average job, a new car, and all of the boca burgers and single-serving coffee I can handle. I love the people I work with, and Alyssa is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But somehow, I feel as if it's all sucking me in, preventing me from reaching out and finding the boundaries of my capability. I'm waiting for something, in a holding pattern.
I'm not ungrateful. I've been really poor and really hungry, and really, really cold, and I can't complain about not being those things. I know how lucky I am to have grown up learning, to have been generally healthy, and to have had nice things. I know that it's dumb luck that my father got into computers early, and that I always knew them. But if those advantages have taught me anything, it's that we have a responsibility to make the most of the gifts we receive. Right now, I don't think I am doing that. Instead, I am killing my curiosity. Bludgeoning it slowly to death, one cast pebble at a time.
I look at people that have managed to maintain intellectual lives outside of their gainful employment, and wonder how they avoided the stress trap. It could be that they didn't really engage in the mundane life. Ralph Eugene Meatyard was an optician by trade; he still made photographs that will survive as significant relics of the twentieth century. Einstein's famous gig as a patent clerk must have required some focus; but then again, I really know nothing about this period in his life. How did they keep the weight of multiple responsibilities from drowning them? I certainly can't disengage from work; my teammates are like family and I feel a strong social responsibility toward them. I guess that's a ultimately a good thing.
I can't take a bite out of my social life, either; Alyssa and I hope to be married, and it makes me exceptionally happy, whatever ambient malaise i may be in.
The bottom line is that I have to find a way to take my game up a level. I spend too many nights awake, feeling unfulfilled by my lack of creative expenditure, and still I am compelled into hibernation by stress and creature comforts.
I found this incredible account of what it was like to work for the Weekly World News.
Once I was “in,” I often described my job, without a hint of exaggeration, as “thinking of the stupidest shit possible.”
via your daily awesome.
One of the great things about where I work is the work hard/relax often atmosphere. We have all been pushing 50 hour weeks, so this afternoon our boss told us to take tomorrow off and make this a 4-day labor day weekend. Unfortunately, one of the applications I maintain revealed a serious issue this afternoon, so I am still in the office trying to get it fixed. If I don't, the 4-day weekend will be a 4-day work weekend--something no one wants.
As if this evening wasn't crapsy enough, my girlfriend had a dental appointment earlier. The dentist told her not to eat until her mouth was no longer numb. When I called a few minutes ago to tell her I was still at the office, she said she was going to go get some ice cream. I am pretty protective of the people I care about, often to a flaw. I'm not possessive or anything, but I overreact when they do anything even slightly risky.
So I proceeded to PARANOID all over her. It was like OMG IT'S A BOMB!! or YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!! only instead it was YOU'LL BITE OFF YOUR TONGUE!!. Because she's not an intelligent adult. With a degree. Who values her tongue. Where the hell does all my crazy come from?
Needless to say, I think she's pissed at me. So here's the public apology she will never actually see:
I'M SORRY I'M AN ALARMIST AND I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT YOUR OWN FACE. And I love you <3.
Wild End, motorscooter. The paramedics said they had a bad feeling as soon as they got the call. His face was fine, peaceful, so yeah, the casket will be open, but the rest of him was all over the road. He flew 20 or 30 feet along the railing, getting torn up all the way. It's pretty hard to see.
I really can't put it all together, though. His daughter just started rehab for the meth, finally, thank god, and he stopped smoking because he felt like a hypocrite. I don't know how the hell to tell her. It's like there are so many people to call, and I just need time to rest. It's too much. I called Mike - no, Mike Simonson - anyway, I asked him to come out, so he's going to fly out in the morning and help me get everything in order.
...I know you can't see it here, but it's really pretty. It doesn't make any sense. It's too nice here. There's a ledge that goes out over some trees and a stream, and the moon is huge over the mountains. All of the sirens and lights and shit are just wrong. Anyway, the cops are leaving so I'll call you in the morning. Yeah. 'Night.
Ghostjuice clued me in to this one. I use it as a reminder that a lot of barriers are in our heads.
Update: I changed the vid link because the first one was set not to embed.
So this is it. After so many years without a weblog, I guess it's time to start again. I have to ease back into this, so I won't worry too much about content, although you can expect a few topics:
- My progress as I work to build a portfolio and begin the hunt for a graduate program.
- Running commentary on the experience of redesigning a major university website.
- An occasional how-to about web development, graphics, animation or productivity.
- News. About me! And photos. Really.
